Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Case Closed

Poor Archie. I had to let him down lightly of course, which means minimal truth-telling. It’s a pity that Archie is someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with, so it’s not easy to just brush him off and permanently relocate to London or something. Also as I mentioned, he thinks I am “nice”, which is such a great burden sometimes. My concocted little break-up routine goes something like this…

“Well, you know, we’ve been getting very close recently, and I feel like I’ve opened up a lot.” At this point, I attempt my most sincere look, and throw in a slightly quivering lip.

“But you know, I mentioned this break-up I went through. It’s very hard to talk about it…but I feel you need to know this because I like you even as a friend.” Note the liberal use of the word “friend” to imply a suitably righteous tone.

“I thought I was over it, but I’m getting anxiety attacks about moving too quickly into anything else. I’m only being so frank with you because I feel that we really get along…you know what I mean? I’m sorry I hesitated about telling you this. But I think it's just not fair to force my conflicts on you”

It was a piece of cake. When “breaking up” (read: telling a guy you want to stop sleeping with him but still remain friends) it’s always important to give a man the chance to be magnanimous and 'walk away' with dignity. The fact that you’re a scheming human piranha scripting every scene is beside the point really. In my experience, most adults know that there’s a clear line between sex and love, but it’s difficult not to take any sort of break-up (in any form) personally. So I try to minimise ill-will all round unless he’s done something disrespectful like come inside you without any protection…then I’d blacklist him and pee in his shampoo bottle.