Friday, May 06, 2005

Giving Head 101

I have just been deflowered. Now let me clarify, before all you boys start beating a line to my door to prove otherwise. I think I’ve just officially had my first, record-breaking episode of Bad Sex. I’ll be specific…it wasn’t just bad per se, and it hardly qualifies as sex, actually it was more like off-the-charts incompetence. I need to take a shower every time I think about it.

I should have seen it coming. Archie was nice, earnest, presentable – a definite departure from my usual taste in derelict men – the sort that asks you politely if you would fancy watching a DVD at his apartment and then actually bothers to pick one out when you get there.

Under most circumstances, Archie and I would get on just fine. Except that a. he thinks I’m a nice, earnest, presentable girl (he obviously doesn’t have this URL) b. I'm in his apartment and inevitably he's sexually attracted to me and c. I think he might have been an overactive chihuahua in his past life. His idea of giving head means having his tongue lave over me in random, desperate sweeps.

I am a sopping mess by the end of 10 minutes.

At which point, he lifts his curly head up and gives me a really wide and enthusiastic grin.

“Did you enjoy that?” I nod mutely. My inner thighs are quivering - not with mounting excitement.

”Well, that’s the first time I’ve ever done something like that”. Right. This is information that would have been useful to me before we started dinner.

”Would you like some more?”

I experience a moment of sexual paralysis. But I take the easy way out. I literally count the “One thousand, two thousand, three thousand…” and it is over. Thank God for premature ejaculation. I roll over and pretend to fall asleep.

So now the dilemma. There is no way I can actually tell him about it; “Hi Archie, I think you're a nice guy and we get along great...but my pussy just has irreconciliable differences with your tongue.”; Oh and please pass the sugar.

In my more civic-minded moments, I feel like I should conduct some kind of Giving Head 101 class. But then if I was that charitable, I would have volunteered with the Red Cross, at least that way I could include it in my CV.